Multiple Bore-gasm

 

Being a Texan means being at the ready to either defend my people or be the first one to say what the fuck were those scary ass trailer park twats thinking when they decided to breed?

So when I heard that WeTV was introducing a series called Texas Multi Mamas I 1) wondered if this was some sort of sy-fy movie wherein a Southwestern Hydra breeds with a  barefoot hillbilly in Crapshoot, TX, and wreaks havoc on the small town before being taken down by a buxom local woman clad in cutoffs and carrying a sawed-off shotgun 2) decided I should cancel any creative productivity I was in the midst of and totally watch 4 episodes in a row.

Texas Multi Mamas, it turns out, is a Real Housewives type of reality show except, instead of having several shoes / cars / dogs / cosmetic procedures, the ladies have twin, triplet or quadruplet litters of children. 

They drink wine, they compliment each other, they castrate their dogs. What WILL happen next?!!

Sadly, my enthusiasm for the show immediately waned when I discovered that these ladies were mostly…gulp…NICE to each other. And…the horror!…HELPED each other with their problems. And…shiver…lived in BORING, understated, bland homes that cost less than the touch-up surgery Adrienne Maloof’s husband gave to her yesterday while they were sitting in traffic.

Such banal “plot lines” as getting a dog fixed, picking out a trendy shirt for a husband, buying a bikini in a strip mall, and the scandalous Hooters background of one of the Multi Mamas (grab a bible and save her already!) made this the television equivalent of watching an avocado seed sprout in a glass of water. The only drama to speak of was when several of the Mamas thought one of the other Mamas was talking too much. Hmm.

I still watched the 4 episodes, but I think what kept me in front of the TV was the stories I was inventing for these boring as fuck women (lesbian affairs, homosexual husbands, sweatshops where their multiple children knit scarves and help keep the family afloat). I refuse to watch this show again. Unless it happens to be on. And I happen to be in front of the TV.