Kim Kiminey, Kim Kim Kiree

The death of the giant rabbit eating, mentally ill puppet from Team America this week garnered more weepy antics across North Korea than the final episode of Sex and the City did in the living rooms of women across America wearing shoes they couldn't afford.

In order to hopefully cheer these folks up—seriously, they make the rejected Bachelorettes (ABC) look sane—I’d like to suggest a few other Kims who might be better suited for taking the dictatorial reins than his strange little son / twin / costumed creepshow Kim Jong-un.

KIM CATTRALL: She has already secured herself as an icon so she won’t have to waste valuable time perfecting a signature haircut or crafting an outfit that will remind people she’s better than they are. Plus, she could solve North Korea’s hunger problem by parlaying her I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter endorsements into some sort of fake buttered food campaign.  

KIM FIELDS: she’s been off the radar since Living Single went off the air. But having been on two successful television shows, she knows how to be a public figure. Plus, since she’s been away for a while, she’ll work extra hard to stay relevant by being a fair yet powerful ruler. Unless of course Dancing With the Stars calls, then she’ll be outta there and on her way to LA for a dance number involving roller skates, sequins, and the theme song from Facts of Life. 

XXX: No. Not that one who shall remain un-named. Sears would be upset. Plus she’d only rule for 72 days before quitting. Plus she’s a whore and that’s illegal in North Korea. Allegedly.

KIM BASSINGER: She’d be a horrible ruler. But I just can’t help thinking that speaking Korean with her adorable Southern lilt could pretty much make anyone eat out of her little ol’ hand. Take that, Andie MacDowell!

And my personal favorite:

The KIM RICHARDS and KIM ZOLCIAK Difecta: It’s apparent that neither Real Housewife could hold a country together on her own—Richards is as fragile and crumbling as our nation’s economy and Zolciak can’t even hold her legs together much less a country—but together they could be a genius political pairing. Richards is just the right amount of spitfire batshit crazy pants that North Korea is used to. And Zolciak, though not the smartest cookie in the jar, can most likely scare the shit out of any adversary with the flip of her wig and an evil glare from her sidekick, Sweetie.

I see a reality show spin-off in the works

And there you have it. I’ve basically just saved the world a whole hell of a lot of trouble and anxious guessing. Now to help the HFPA pick the least deserving Best Picture for the 2012 Golden Globes. Moneyball. Moneyball. Moneyball.