Fascinating: Barbara :: Vanilla: Humanity

Aside from the collection of surgeons, aestheticians and lighting geniuses who make her seem frozen in her very early 60s, Barbara Walters introduced America to whom she believes to be the 10 Most Fascinating People of 2011, which, sadly, didn't include Kristen Wiig. What we learned was, as ever, invaluable [to 1% of the population].

1. Eric Stonestreet and Jesse Tyler-Ferguson of Modern Family: They both overcame adversity and are sweet and endearing and blah blah blah. But perhaps, most entertaining, is that Barbara seems to be caught up on the fact that seeing a gay man be anything but flamboyant is like watching a dog walk on its hind legs, effectively turning back the straight-acting clock we've all been so dubiously working to adjust by grunting and knowing the rules of football.
2. Simon Cowell: Though he may have one of the tackiest outdoor areas complete with octagonal boulder side tables, water walls and rings of fire, he is incredibly health conscious and drinks a spinach banana smoothie everyday. Oh, and he thinks Paula Abdul has the hots for him (Paula Abdul is most likely code for Ryan Seacrest—though this is not confirmed).
3. The KarFlashyans: I really can't tell you what happened here (other than Barbra telling the girls they have no talent). I got up to get more coffee, bang my head on a wall and clean up the blood pouring out of my ears and eyes. 
4. Herman Cain: If you can get around the fact that he has no eyebrows he is sort of fascinating... fascinating in the way that a crazy person at a rest home is who is convinced that he's the King of Narnia and has learned the cure for the common cold from a wood fairy named Calista. Delusional people are so adorbs!
5. Katy Perry: Precious little Katherine Elizabeth Hudson (who couldn't seem to muster the time to get her blonde roots died pink for a Prime Time interview) is so darn likable and beautiful. I didn't even gag when she admitted that her Evangelical upbringing still has her calling deviled eggs "angeled eggs". But maybe that's just because I was coming off the puke-inducing weirdness of seeing back to back Kardashian and Cain, and Perry was a welcomed bubble gummy distraction.
6. Derek Jeter: Adult baby face baseball hero, Jeter, hates complacency, fiercely guards his privacy and pretty much told Barbara to stick it when she asked him about his personal life with crap-actress Minka Kelly. Respect points elevated: 3%
7. Donald Trump: Insert ugly hair jokes. Snore.
8. Amanda Knox: Though Amanda wasn't actually interviewed, Babs recounted her horrific tale and subsequently decreased study abroad interest among students by 20%. 
9. Pippa Middleton: Though the tan chipmunky version of Queen-to-be Kate wasn't interviewed, Barbara gave a snoozy slideshow review of Pippa's charm, allure, red shoes, boyfriends, handbags, and ass. Fascinating indeed. Man, Babs, if you were an intern and pitched Pippa to me for this special, I'd slap you then fire you...but only after you brought me my 11 o'clock latte.
10. Steve Jobs: Miss Walters reminds us all that Steve Jobs is cooler than you, smarter than you, more innovative than you, more memorable than Bob Iger will ever be, and, according to Barbara and her peculiar, gurgly voice, is the most fascinating person of 2011.

Walters embraces banality