Movies are for Scaring

 

It’s here. The most frightening day of the year (unless Kim Kardashian’s over-publicized, ill-begotten nuptials have already trademarked that caption). Routinely one of my favorite holidays, this Halloween season has seemed slightly lackluster. AMC showed the same four movies over and over and over, my costume was a half-assed last minute Bret Michaels, and the NYC subway wasn’t the bumping costume party it usually is (this might be due in part the snow storm that took a dump on the Tri-State Area Saturday).

Rather than dwell in the ho-humminess of this year’s Hallow’s Eve, I’ll instead take the opportunity to recommend some of my favorite films of suspense and terror that, should you watch them, will likely scare the s**t out of you—or at the very least make you queasy and uncomfortable.

1) The Reef (2010) A survival story of five passengers on a leisurely sailboat cruise off the coast of Australia who hit a reef and capsize. Sans lifeboat and deciding to tread water to the nearest spot of land 8 hours away, they are subsequently stalked by a rather hungry, rather determined, rather ferocious shark. I expected predictable thrills with a side of cheese. What I got was a hand-wringing, stomach-knotting, oh-my-gosh-oh-my-gosh-look-behind-you adrenaline rush with engaging characters and a shark realistic enough to scare me out of the water for the next couple of seasons. In short: Jaws meets Open Water.

2)  Rogue (2007) On the subject of Aussie creature features, this film covers one of the reptilian kind. An American travel writer, played by the ever-alluring Michael Vartan, is sent to begrudgingly cover the Australian outback. He immediately finds himself on a river tour with a bevy of eager, annoying tourists guided by the also ever-alluring Radha Mitchell. When they are far from any civilization and without a line of reliable communication, a gigantic, territorial crocodile does a destructive number on their boat stranding them on what’s not much more than an elevated sandbar. Their island of refuge from the croc forebodingly grows smaller and smaller with the encroaching tide. As the sun goes down and the death toll goes up, base survival instincts kick in as they desperately contemplate swimming to the mainland. And just when you think the movie can’t get anymore gruesome, terrifying and frantic, it does. Poor Michael and Radha. In short: Lake Placid grimly void of any Betty White’s comic relief.

2) Dressed to Kill (1980) Wrought with the tell-tale objectification of gorgeous women for which he’s known, here DePalma crafts a tale of a juicy young call girl, Liz (Nancy Allen), who is the sole witness to the brutal, straight razor slaying of a philandering housewife, Kate (the glamorous Angie Dickinson).  Liz joins forces with Kate’s nebbish son to find the killer before she falls victim to the infamous razor. In Short: Psycho if it was infused with lots of early 80s T&A, fabulous camera angles, intoxicatingly melodramatic slow motion, and a horrific subway scene that will make you want to take a taxi next time.

From The House of the Devil

4) The House of the Devil (2009) What says Halloween better than the occult, the 80s, and a beautiful babysitter? Ti West must agree because he seamlessly interlocks every single one of them in this movie about a beautiful, soft spoken college co-ed who signs up for more than she knows when she answers an ad to “babysit” a creepy old man’s even creepier, older mother. Suspense, sound effects, and steadily growing tension all converge on a background that has such a genuinely 1980s feel, you’ll swear you hair is feathered and your jeans are Jordache. In Short: Rosemary’s Baby meets When a Stranger Calls.

5) The Howling (1981) This is undeniably my favorite horror film of all time. Dee Wallace, early 80s guru cult mentality, sex, violence, werewolves, nauseating special effects. All signs point to yes. And that yes hasn’t faded one fraction since the first time I saw it fifteen years ago. Karen White, a renown tele-journalist in San Francisco, is being stalked by a  psychotic fan, Eddie, who police think is linked to several gruesome murders in the area. Karen agrees to help them find him in a sting operation that leaves Eddie dead and Karen in the throes of a nervous breakdown. As part of her recovery, she is sent to ‘The Colony’, a West Coast retreat that offers therapy, quiet cabins, campfires…and werewolves that kind of want to bite your throat out. The Fan meets American Werewolf in London.

Now go grab some Milk Duds, a couple of cold cans of Tab, buckle down and watch one or all of these. If you piddle your pants just a little, just blame the soda.