Cult Classic

NOTE: this is written in the voice of what I see to be the generalized bat shit crazy voice of conservative Republicans. Challenges to its accuracy are welcomed to the debate floor.

I’m delighted that with all of this Republican candidacy business, we’ve seen such an honest, blatant disregard for that old separation of church and state nonsense. Thank goodness. But since adamant Perry supporter Baptist Pastor Robert Jeffress (whose crazy eyes are by no means comparable to a teen addicted to huffing) has so bravely said what we were all thinking—Mormons are a cult (why else would they have cable shows about them?)—I think we better continue the trend and be really, really specific about those “religions” we just shouldn’t stand for in the Oval Office.

Pastor Robert Jeffress

Methodists are entirely too liberal. They’re well intended, I suppose, but kind of lazy when it comes to punishing themselves for not being good enough. They may as well have orgies in a field somewhere and smoke maryjauna cigarettes.

Non-denominational. Now that just pisses me off. It’s like saying you’re too lazy to pick something. They have milquetoast lady preachers, homosexual congregations and casual clothes. You can’t wear jeans next to a men-loving man while listening to some old woman tell you to bow your head and be thankful for all our differences. It’s so backwards I can’t even wrap my Christian head around it. I guess I forgive them, but is that the kind of lax attitude we want choosing the fate of our Christian nation? Nosirree, Jesus.

Catholics are just plain creepy. What’s that saint stuff? And why do I need to tell a creepy old man the things I’ve done wrong this week? So he can tell me to recite some incantations while clutching a chunky necklace with a tacky cross on it? I think not. Now, I’m not going to say that sounds like saying spells and witchcraft or anything, but. Well. Yes, I am. 

I’m not even going to touch on Hindus. They seem nice, I guess, but a blue elephant with lots of arms? My goodness. I’m familiar with the fear of God. But that’s just insane. I think some acid junkie hippie in Los Angeles made it all up for one of them horror movies and it just caught on. Crazy talk.

And Buddhism. Man. That yoga vegetarian situation just ain’t right. I mean, yoga? Do you want to praise your Lord or do gymnastics? Good grief. And God put cattle on earth to make burgers during football games not to ignore them in exchange for some gloopy, silken tofu bean patties that Gwyneth Paltrow is bound to rave about.

Rick Perry is exactly what this country needs. He will uphold the values and social structure we need to make our country one big, conservative church where people like Michele Bachmann’s non-closeted husband can continue his non-gay work and everyone can realize how great it is to be white, male, carry a gun and make money in underhanded dealings in the name of the Lord. Amen!