Shore Thing

The Jersey Shore, as far as I’m concerned, has single-handedly breathed attention-whoring life into an otherwise dusty creature lacking the social significance it once had in the 90s - read: MTV. The show not only introduced us to tanned creatures rarely seen outside of Joe Pesci films, SNL skits, and the Hot Topics of malls lining the Garden State Parkway, but also infused our daily vernacular with a fleet of unforgettable nicknames, catch-phrases, noises, and words sometimes only understood with the help of subtitles.

One such nickname that quickly became a household name was The Situation. Jersey Shore character, Michael Sorrentino, dubbed himself The Situation based solely on the fact that his ridiculously and unnaturally ripped abdominals [meant to draw attention away from his chubby face and bulbous nose] weren’t so much a physical attribute as “a situation” in which ladies often thrillingly found themselves. And now, wisely, Sorrentino has decided he’d like to trademark the name The Situation so that he can bank while the banking’s good by selling paraphernalia (underwear, tennis wear, bathing suits, etc.) featuring his now well-known nickname. My initial thought was unstoppable laughter . This evolved into a hardy “ewwww” which eventually became thoughts of whether or not Sorrentino would also venture to emblazon his name on Ed Hardy hats, half football jerseys, steroid vials, fake tan enhancement spray bottles, and Olive Garden gift certificates. But, you know, if he’s going to do this, why don’t the other housemates cash in, too? I’ve taken the liberty of making a few suggestions for them:

J-Woww – I see a line of bras that aid in the appearance of gravity-defying breasts. Awww, hell. Let’s call an ace and ace and create a line of implants called “Extra W.” You don’t need ‘em, but she didn’t need that extra “W” in Woww and look how well it’s worked for her on The Shore.

Snooki – The possibilities are endless. Namely, I see a convergence of the Snuggie and Snooki, a sort of ridiculous housecoat that not only promises to keep you warm, but also aids in displaying buoyant cleavage and a design that won’t prohibit you from snatch flashing everyone after a couple of tequila shots in front of the fire.

DJ Pauly D – Hair product promotion would be too predicatable, too gauche. So I think he should work the quasi-homonym angle and pitch a cooking show with Paula Dean and Pauly D, calling it Two Ps In a Pod. They’ll do such things as prepare a ham hocks stuffed with butter and bacon and show how the egg whites and butter you’ll later use to prepare the deep-fried chocolate pecan torte for dessert number 3 can also be used to create self standing hairstyles right on par with J-Woww’s breasts in terms of gravity defiance.

I wonder if the others are remorseful for not hopping on the nickname bandwagon. Vinny seems too level-headed for such nonsense (he admittedly despises the daily guido routine his housemates follow of GTL – Gym, Tan, Laundry), but hot-headed Ronnie could have easily been Bruiser or Napole[on], and Sam with her lovely aura of bland, vapid, brattiness, could totally have been known as Twitter…or Spaniel-ina…or Sausage Sam. Just a thought.