Just for Hymn

Yesterday I had the esteemed pleasure of attending an exquisitely performed classical guitar concert (http://giacomolavita.com/) outside of Manhattan – and if you’ve never heard classical guitar, it’s like taking every element of classical music, whittling it down to perfection, and making you feel like you have the luckiest ears on the planet. The concert took place in a church and, while waiting for the concert to commence, I decided to keep my mind preoccupied not with tedious Facebook status updates pertaining to my current location and humorous queries as to whether lighting would strike, but with a little game taught to me by my dear, dear grandmother.

From an early age, I found that church rapidly transformed from being a place that made you feel so guilty that the PR girls in heaven just might have you on their list, to a place where the greatest challenge was to not let your I’m-in-a-place-where-it-is-socially-unacceptable-to-laugh-so-I-HAVE-to-laugh giggles become too audible. This challenge was made greater for my sisters and I by my grandmother who thought it useful to teach her grandchildren to thumb through the hymn book and add “Beneath the Sheets” after each song title so as to muss up the stuffy, sterile sanctity we were enduring. Having been absent from church since I can’t remember, I was eager to play “Beneath the Sheets” - and the results were far too delightful to keep to myself.

You Are My Hiding Place Beneath the Sheets (this one is slightly creepy and I can totally see Robert Deniro saying it in some freaky movie before he does something gruesome)

How Great Thou Art Beneath the Sheets (I should have this made into a t-shirt for how many times it’s been said to me)

Look and Learn Beneath the Sheets (this is when you’ve bedded that really annoying know-it-all friend of a friend you met drunk at a party and all you want to do is forget your mistake and go to sleep so you’re halfway coherent for Saturday’s Spin class)

You, Lord, Are Both Lamb and Shepherd Beneath the Sheets (for that domineering partner who cries after the throes of passion have come to completion)

Ask, See and Knock Beneath the Sheets (you just know Jim Carrey has said this before)

Now the Feast and Celebration Beneath the Sheets (sushi, anyone?)

And my personal favorite:

Let Us Talents and Tongues Employ Beneath the Sheets

I’m thinking of playing B.T.S. when I have to do an employee evaluation next time.

“Works well with others [beneath the sheets.]”

"Shows great leadership skills [beneath the sheets.]"

"Attendance is excellent [beneath the sheets."]...