The Family Stone

I knew it felt like a special day when I leapt out of bed mere minutes ago (translation: hit snooze twice, rolled over to pile of clothes on couch to dress, couldn't even summon energy to put socks on with tennis shoes before taking dog out, and stumbling around Midtown Manhattan and wondering if my fly was zipped). And now, it's confirmed. It is special. For on this day, either 72 or 43 years ago, Sharon Stone was born unto the earth. Love her or hate her or raise a curious eyebrow at her while nervously wringing your clammy hands together in hopes that she won't attack, her insanity, philanthropy, beauty, and really strange backstories are a fiber interwoven into our culture that will outlast many other contemporary threads. Now, excuse me while I decided whether or not to wear panties.

I'm just saying...

NOXEMA JACKSON

(aka WESLEY SNIPES)

VS

SERENA WILLIAMS

The Armory Show

I was fortunate enough to attend The Armory Show this weekend where a bajillion galleries from around the world come to show their wares at Pier 94 in Manhattan and hope people like Bjork will spend oodles of cash on a chalkboard with a feather taped to it. Seriously though, there was some amazing mind blowing s**t there, including a reverse totem pole type structure with a (from bottom to top) taxidermied peacock, some sort of seabird, a lioness, and a cow. After successfully avoiding a panic attack that usually is the direct result of seas of people who can’t seem to remember how to walk properly, a few things became clear to me. If one is attending The Armory, one or more of the following must apply:

1) Don’t bathe
2) Don’t eat
3) Dress like a J. Crew junkie from the mid-80s
4) Dress like a greasy porn star from the early-80s
5) Wear fancy German glasses and speak in multiple languages
6) Be German
7) Wear a peculiar hat that may have cost $5 or $50,000
8) Look like you totally get the octagonally framed piece of sheep’s hair lying on the floor under a neon green spotlight
9) Drink champagne
10) Don’t look excited

Most people were a 2-3-9 or a 1-4-10 combination, but I think anyone would have worked. Sadly, I was not one of these, not even a 4 as my greasy porn mustache has been shaved away nearly a year now. Sad face. ☹

PHOTO COURTESY OF ITAKEMYCAMERAEVERYWHEREIGO.COM

Oscar- Over and Out

The magic of the Oscars has dwindled, methinks, with most of the dazzling pomp and circumstance happening on the red carpet outside of the Hollywood and Highland shopping mall, I mean, Kodak theatre. Someone needs to do a complete overhaul on this ceremony beginning with making every nominee sign an agreement stating that they’ll limit their possible speech to something heartfelt, a blanket note of gratitude to everyone who helped make it possible, and a comedic finish – refraining from mentioning names we don’t know (like someone’s manager’s assistant stenographer’s dog walker) because they’ll likely get a thank you card and/or a phone call Monday morning if the winner is worth a salt so we don’t have to be burdened with lifeless speeches consisting of the first and last names of 27 percent of behind-the-scenes Hollywood.

The highlights at the 84^th Annual Academy Awards included Sandra Bullock’s hair, Sandra Bullock’s acceptance speech (maybe she didn’t deserve the Oscar for this particular performance, but 85 percent of America was glad she won and seriously, Meryl didn’t deserve it either), Oprah’s dedication to Gabourey Sidibe, Up in the Air losing out, Avatar not getting Best Picture, Ben Stiller sort of making fun of James Cameron, Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin wearing a snuggie, Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin filming themselves sleeping in a hotel room, Carrie Mulligan’s dress with little bits of cutlery all over it, Jeff Bridges being The Dude for real, the incredibly weirdo red-headed lady (now identified as Elinor Burkett) who jumped on stage while the documentary short director, Roger Ross Williams, was accepting his award looked on astonished, the prim and bitchy and wonderfully honest speech by the now 3-time Academy Award Winning costume designer, Sandy Powell, and the mysterious case of most of the womens’ up-dos looking like they had really tacky bed-head frizzies.

There was a ridiculous dance montage that replaced all the air time normally sucked up by performing the nominated songs which was basically a steaming pile of crap. It was completely incohesive in regard to the films, the ceremony and the feel of the evening (I guess producer Adam Shankman was trying to transform The Academy Awards into a So you Think You Can Dance audition). And, up until now, I’ve liked how awkward Kristen Stewart has been, but last night she crossed the line last night and completely pissed me off when, while presenting with Taylor Lautner, she scratched her head twice and coughed up phlegm once. My. God. Wildly inappropriate.

I’d like to close with saying, can George Clooney either enjoy going to these events - since it’s basically his job - or stay at home so we don’t have to look at his miserably grouchy face, bad haircut and pompous glares? Maybe he had a raging case of hemorrhoids and he was just really uncomfortable sitting, but I’m guessing it’s more that he’s just a bratty douchec**k.

Oscar Who?

As the Academy of Motion Pictures is perched to reveal their decisions this year (no Avatar, no Avatar, no Avatar), it's important to delve into the past to some people you never knew received Academy Award Nominations and, in some cases, actually won this coveted little golden bald gay body builder. In no particular order, here are some of the more remarkably unknown nominations:

TV Mom Trifecta:

Agnes Moorehead: Probably more easily recognized as a glamorous red-headed witch in glittery caftans, turning down the glitz to play a white trash maid to clinically insane Bette Davis in Hush...Hush, Sweet Charlotte got her a Supporting Actress nomination in 1965 (she'd been previously nominated in the same category in 1943, 1945 and 1949).

Estelle Parsons: You'll remember her as Roseanne's nagging mother turned lesbian nagging mother. But the Academy remembers her as the Best Supporting Actress in 1968 for Bonnie and Clyde with another nomination in the same category the following year.

Renee Taylor: Ms. Taylor's name may not be recognizeable, but she has an unmistakeable voice and face as the Nanny, Fran Fine's, mother. But well before nagging her daughter to marry, wearing tacky dress suits, and teasing her platinum hair to Jesus, she was nominated in 1971 for writing Lovers and Other Strangers.

Valerie Perrine: Her bubbly blondenes, honey-sweet demeanor, and slutty wardrobe as Lex Luthor's assistant, Eve Teschmacher, in Superman, is what most recognize her for, but her acting chops got her nominated for a Best Actress Oscar in 1974 for Lenny.

Eric Roberts: His sister may have won an Oscar for dressing like a tart and finding poisoned water, but 15 years before Julia won hers, he was nominated in 1986 for his supporting actor role in Runaway Train.

Bob Hoskins: Once upon a time, he guzzled whiskey while he found who framed Roger Rabbit. But one year previously (1987), he was nominated in a supporting role for his work in Mona Lisa.

Dorothy Malone: She had a cameo in Basic Instinct as Sharon Stone’s inspiration and “the sweet little housewife who butchered her family.” But a few decades earlier, being a drunken, horny, debutante daughter of a wealthy, dysfunctional Texas oil family (sort of a hooker with a heart-of-gold role) in Douglas Sirk’s Written on the Wind, she won the Supporting Actress Oscar in 1957.

NOTE: If you haven’t seen this, you must. Malone’s final scene features the most blatant phallic symbol EVER (plus her wardrobe, and that of co-star Lauren Bacall, are beyond fabulous.

Pat Morita: He waxed on/waxed off, caught a fly with his fingertips, taught martial arts to a soon-to-be heartthrob, and, when all was said and done, got nominated in 1985 for a Best Supporting Actor Oscar in his role as Mr. Miyagi.

Eminem: I’m sorry. I still can’t get over the fact that he has an Oscar (Best Original Song, 2003).

What Would Catrall Do?

And, since Mannequin is on the brain (see “I’m just saying…” from earlier today), go forth with your Thursday-night-it’s-almost-Friday-so-hangovers-don’t-matter drinking in the spirit of a mystical mannequin living it up in an empty department store with an endless wardrobe of fabulous fashion mishaps and a mild mannered 80s icon sidekick fawning over you.

Catherine the Great

She’s made really crappy art in a haunted Connecticut farmhouse. She’s accidentally left her awkward looking - yet cunning - child at home while she flew to Paris with the rest of her family on holiday. She’s fallen in love with a skeleton hell-bent on being Santa Claus. She’s gotten faced in a Chinese restaurant while trying to acquaint her friends with her husband’s penile reduction. She’s raised a prize winning canine - and slept with half of America along the way. And, in a moment the annoyingly unaware Academy missed, was a comically heartbreaking forgotten star, diving into unfortunate plastic surgery in order to garner an Oscar nod. Yes. She’s done all this and more with her twinkly eyes, no nonsense delivery, and spot-on brassy humor which is why we wish you, Catherine O’Hara, the happiest of birthdays. I think your next bit should be a mocumentary style film (as you seem to do so well) with you as Bjork’s mother… Bjork being played by Kristen Wiig. Just a thought.

I'm just saying... (Special Pop Quiz Edition)

Can you guess who the below characters are? I'll give you a hint...One is a squealing, badly dressed, nauseatingly verbose queen, and the other is a fictional character.

A.

VS

B.

ANSWERS:

A. ANDRE LEON TALLEY

B. MESCHACH TAYLOR (as "HOLLYWOOD" in MANNEQUIN)*

*Thanks to Rontina for the tip.

Woof

I fell asleep watching The Company of Wolves. I woke up to my dog making terrifying guttural werewolfish growls in his sleep. I feel it only logical, then, to share the glamorously gruesome lupine influenced video for Yeah Yeah Yeahs' Heads Will Roll. Karen O and the kids + werewolf channeling Michael Jackson + European catacombs x red confetti and crepe paper = awesome.

Golden Gates

Gates McFadden. It’s her birthday. But who the hell is she [other than a chick with an incredibly cool – albeit contrived – name that sounds like it’s straight out of the annals of Fictional Lady Villains Circa 1980 Who Use Wealth Not Weapons to Destroy their Nemeses”]? I’ll tell you who she is. Not only has she been in such fabulous movies as Crowned and Dangerous (about a Beauty Queen murder) and Make the Yuletide Gay (a romantic coming-out-in-the-Midwest comedy), but she was also a puppeteer for Jim Henson which also led her to choreograph the ballroom scene in Labyrinth. Yes. LABYRINTH. Aka that Jennifer Connelly David Bowie Muppet clusterfuck of genius. She also popped out a kid with the dude who played Data on Star Trek: The Next Generation. And supposedly as of 2004 she was restoring an old theatre in the south of France. So, yeah. Basically one of the coolest ladies EVER. Happy Birthday, Gates.

Match Point [Your Camera]

Can you spot the Olympic Champion Ice Skater I saw last evening watching the Kim Clijsters vs Venus Williams match at the BNP Paribas Billie Jean King Showdown? Hint: She's wearing the same color she sees when she hears the name "Tonya."

My Hangover Can’t Hear You

A study shows that regular use of over-the-counter painkillers may increase the risk of hearing loss in men under age 60. This translates to meaning that dudes who drink a lot of booze are just asking for hearing impairment because, let’s face it, hangovers are the number one reason for regular use of painkillers. So basically if you drink a lot, you’re gonna become deaf. Which means if you masturbate, too, then you’re totally screwed because you’ll be deaf and have hair on your palms. Tsk tsk tsk.

Monkey Shine

A Russian chimpanzee has been sent to rehab by zookeepers to cure the smoking and beer-drinking habits he picked up after retiring from a circus to live in the zoo. He’ll likely soon appear on Dr. Drew’s VH1 Reality Series, Celebrity Rehab, where his presence will morph everyone’s detoxing whacked-out brain into thinking they’re in love with him, thus spawning a new series Rehab: Bestiality. Andy Dick and Michael Lohan will co-star.

J & J Birthday

Jensen Ackles is celebrating his birth today. You’ll know him as the really good looking guy from the film Bloody Valentine, the television series Supernatural, and the guy who looks like the guy in the music video for Womanizer. But what’s possibly more intriguing is that his resumé features a film entitled 10 Inch Hero. Hmmm. As a side note, it’s also Javier Bardem’s birthday today (you’ll remember him as the incredibly sexy Spaniard from every movie he’s ever been in) and I wonder if he has the qualification to star in a film of the same title…

Skate is Enough

The Evan Lysacek media frenzy continues as speculations swirl that he’ll be selected as a Dancing With the Stars contestant. In a recent interview, he admits that he’d love to be a part of the show but isn’t sure if he’ll accept yet (contestants are announced next week). He also goes on to list his other interests that he would possibly pursue once he hangs up the skates professionally. These interests include other athletic activities, travel, film, literature, photography, fashion, design, music, hotels, cars, acting, Avatar, The Blind Side, District 9, An Education, The Hurt Locker, Inglourious Basterds, Precious: Based on the Novel ‘Push’ by Sapphire, A Serious Man, Up, Up in the Air…

At this point the journalist began speaking to someone more interesting so, unfortunately, at this time it is uncertain what career path Evan Lysukdik will take in the future.